Dec
30
Farewell My Princess
December 30, 2011 | Progress Report | 21 Comments
Today is the saddest, most depressing day of my life for as long as I can remember. We released Jewels’ spirit this morning. I’ve been crying almost constantly since. The heartbreak is much more intense than I imagined. My beautiful girl is no longer around and my heart hurts so badly.
The last two days for Jewels were very difficult. Standing up was becoming almost impossible for her. She could never really rest or be comfortable because the side affects of the steroids were causing her to pant so excessively and her heart to beat so fast. It was like she was running all day without going anywhere. It seemed worse at night because I would wake up to go to her and lay down with her to try to comfort her and calm her down so she could sleep. But I don’t think she really slept much in the last few weeks. She was eating and drinking very well, but I believe that was just another side affect of the steroids. Before she got sick she was never a big eater, then all of a sudden while on steroids she had a voracious appetite. It just wasn’t like her; so I didn’t think eating and drinking was truly a good measure of quality of life for Jewels. The steroids did effectively decrease the inflammation in her lungs because she did not cough too much. However, the steroids did not decrease the swelling in her paws and legs enough to take away the discomfort. Apparently her lymphatic system couldn’t “keep up” with draining out the fluids in her limbs and combined with the lack of activity, the swelling was just getting worse and there was nothing more we could do for her. My baby was suffering and I couldn’t stand it any longer.
We could’ve kept her around longer, for another week or two perhaps. Heaven knows that was what I wanted. But I knew in my heart that it was time to let her spirit go. This was not the life she was meant to live and I could not in good conscience ask her to suffer a little longer for my sake.
When the vet arrived at our home Jewels greeted him with a wagging tail and her ears pulled back. Her last gift to me. I smiled at that moment impressed by her sweetness. Maybe she knew he was there to release her from her broken body. The procedure was simple and peaceful. It was only a few minutes when her breathing finally calmed down after the first injection. That was the first time in weeks that I had felt her breathing so calmly. Then the second injection it was only moments when her heart stopped as I held her in my arms. And finally she was at peace. My baby was no longer in pain and discomfort.
But now it was my turn to feel the pain. And I cried like I never cried before. Never would I imagine how much it would hurt to see her leave us.
My husband rarely ever cries, but today he cried with me too. My twin boys, seeing my husband and me upset kept asking us “What’s wrong?” “Mommy and Daddy sad?” We told them we are very sad because Jewels went “bye-bye” to Doggy Heaven and we would miss her. They were very concerned and worried for us. They were upstairs watching a video with Aspen chewing on a large bone while I was downstairs with my husband spending the last few moments with Jewels. They had no idea about what had really happened, but noticed that Jewels’ pillow was empty after we let them downstairs again when the vet left with Jewels. They were wondering where she went. A little later as my husband and I were visibly upset they asked again, “Mommy and Daddy sad?” We answered again that Jewels went “bye-bye” to Doggy Heaven. One of my boys then said, “Don’t be sad okay? Jewels will come back with a new leg and make mama and dada happy, okay?” At that, of course my husband and I started crying a little more.
Aspen also notices that Jewels is gone. She is acting a little more mellow than usual and smells the air every now and then trying to find Jewels’ scent. She’s had Jewels as a companion all her life and now that has changed I hope she will be okay.
I never realized how the absence of Jewels would have such a major impact on my daily life. I feel pain and emptiness every time I notice a strand of her fur laying on the floor, or how I prepare a meal for one dog instead of two, how I don’t have to be concerned about whether Jewels is getting her pills on time like she should or how I come downstairs and she is no longer there laying on her pillow to greet me. I cared for her medical needs intensely for last six months and then all of a sudden I no longer have that responsibility. Her pillow next to our bed is empty. I cannot bring myself to put it away just yet. Her fur is still on it and it smells like her. I lay on it crying very hard.
My parents arrived for a visit later in the evening. It is a welcome distraction. But whenever I am alone I find myself thinking of her and the sorrow resurfaces.
Throughout the day I’ve found myself wondering if we let her go too soon. Was it really the right time? My husband reassures me that it was the right thing to do. She was suffering too much.
I am trying very hard to think of all the positives. Like how we were so very blessed to have her in our lives for as long as we did–over eleven years! I know others have lost their beloved pets much sooner than that. How she is no longer suffering and she is now running fast and free, with all four legs after the rabbits and squirrels. How we got a few months more with her after amputation. Memories of how much joy she brought to our lives. It is hard to do this past all the pain and sorrow, but I must, at least for my princess Jewels.
One of the last photos I took of my baby